In the End it's Right
by srgntsrhbrn
Summary: RENT short: Just a bit of what is running through Roger's mind after Goodbye Love when he leaves for Santa Fe. Rating for language only. Update fixing grammatical and other problems.


Disclaimer and A/N: Rent is not mine, it never was, and sadly it never will be. I must be content to play with them without making any money. Sigh, well enjoy my angstyness and don't question where it came from, I am still trying to figure that out myself. Reviews are welcome and appreciated.  
  
update: Minor changes suggested by my beta, who missed them the first time around. I still love her though (thanks Nikki) and thank those of you that pointed out the problems also.  
  
I am finally fucking leaving, and can't stop feeling guilty about it. Shaking my head as I ran away from the church I sighed. It isn't as if I don't have a reason to, Mimi is back with that bastard Benny, although I highly doubt she even broke up with him when she was with me. I wouldn't put it past her. Then she tried to make me feel bad, and succeeded, because I was leaving. She batted her eyes, and spouted some shit about she just wanted to say goodbye, and that she always loved me. Right, she loved me so much, that she had to be with Benny. Because she loved me she cheated on me, that is not good logic. Explain that to me.  
  
I thought that I had something with her; she magically appeared at the door; and interested me enough in life outside the loft that I got out that very night. After a half a year of others trying to do the same thing, one meeting with Mimi made me get out that same day. To me that meant something, no matter what I told her. I knew we had a connection, it is hard not to when we both are dealing with the same things. She really didn't remind me much of April, but the passing glances I saw were enough.  
  
I was so afraid that she wouldn't even want to give me the time of day when I ran into her on the street, but then she surprised me and accepted my apology. She stayed with me, even though I tried to push her away. But then I found out it was all a joke, she never even meant it. Sometimes when I look at it, I can't help but wonder if she was just using me to get back at Benny for something that he did to her. That bastard had so much time on his hands that he must continually find ways to fuck up my existence. Well I hope the two of them are happy together, they deserve anything that comes there way.  
  
Mark on the other hand, I know he will take it hard, hell he already is. I know he is right, I do always leave when the going gets tough, whether physically or mentally. And I do it, because I know he will be there when I get back, that is just Mark. Always the stable one, always reliable. I didn't mean anything that I said to him, how could I? He is the only one that consistently stuck by me through thick and thin. Through the addiction, through April, through withdrawal, through depression, and now this.   
  
I have never seen Mark that angry before, and I hope I never do again. I have learned to deal with the silent disappointment, and the nagging that he employs, but never this type of anger. For it to be directed at me was almost frightening. And I know that every word he threw at me was right. I run away from everything, I refuse to look at the truth rather than relying on what I believe I know. He will never know how true his words were to me, I will never let myself tell him. I would rather think that I am escaping, and don't care about anyone anymore. It will be easier for him to deal with in the long run. The only thing I regret are the words that I threw back at him, none of them were true. But I said them, and now I can't take it back.  
  
Standing next to the car, keys in hand, I reconsider going. Maybe Mark was right, I have do him and Mimi, and perhaps things will get better with the two of them helping. Angel may have left us, but the rest of the group is still alive, and we need to stay together. But on the other hand, it is just wishful thinking, I'm going to die, so is Mimi, so is Collins. There is no way of getting around that. We can't change the ravages of AIDS, and I would rather be alone, than have to watch my friends leave me, or watch my friends lose me. I never want that to happen. So no matter how much I love and care about everyone, I know in the long run that it is better for them if I just disappear. It is the right thing to do Davis, you know it is.  
  
Sitting in the car, I give myself the chance to cry the tears I refused to let fall at the funeral. Minutes pass, and I just let them fall freely. When I finally notice people starting to stare at the car I turn the ignition and put the car into reverse. Slowly I leave the city, without a glance over my shoulder, not offering the goodbye that I know will still happen. It's going to be a long drive to Santa Fe....


End file.
